Monday, February 27, 2012
ADHD in my relationships
I know for me, this ability to compartmentalize issues and pretend they are not there is not something that is not just associated with school. I will avoid people that care about me and want to help me just so I don't have to face a problem or an issue that I have with them or that they have with me. This is probably why I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 weeks.
Maintaining relationships is one of the hardest things for me. I am not talking about relationships with minor aquatints or friends from school, I am specifically talking about family relationships. I originally thought the constant fighting and mistrust that my mother has for me was something that was unique to our relationship and was proven wrong when I went to Landmark College. At Landmark every student has a learning disability (LD) like ADHD, Dyslexia, Language learning disability etc. and I interacted with hundreds of other college students that have ADHD just like me and almost everyone of them had the same kind of relationship with their parents.
I know my mother only wants to help me and that her fighting with me and her pushing me is her way of doing so, however, this only pushed me away from her, made me shut off completely from her and actually distracts me from my school work compounding the problem. I have friends with ADHD that are far more intelligent then me fail out of school due to the parents trying to "help" them by fighting with them. Like I stated above, we compartmentalize our problems and if our parents are fighting with us about school, not only will we avoid our parents, we sometimes avoid school since we view it as the catalyst of the fighting.
I know this makes no sense, even reading it to myself it sounds foolish, but it is one of the issues that is almost impossible to understand. Even my explanation falls completely short of the feelings and reasoning's that we make to not go to class. This was one of the major contributing factors for me failing out of college the first time that I went.
I have had many failed relationships due to impulsive and the fact that ADHDers are knows to fall in love fast and fall out of love fast. Why is this? Well when you "fall in love," hormones and endorphin's are released at a increased rate. Some of these are the hormones that we have less of in our frontal lobe so we crave the "falling in love" feeling since it is able to produce these hormones. This is why many people with ADHD get married on a whim only to have it ending in divorce 3 months later or why we are hot and heavy in a relationship and then become very cold over night. It is difficult create and maintain a serious relationship with someone and having ADHD absolutely adds extra strain on the relationship.
Armed with this information, I made sure I told my girl friend before we started dating that I have ADHD and exactly what it does to me. I told her how it effects me, what I do to cope with it, and made sure she understood that things would probably be more difficult in certain areas then those people dating that didn't have ADHD. She understands this, has supported me wholly, and has actually learned to love some of the minor ADHD problems. Some examples of the issues we have encountered are failure to communicate time schedules, saying I will call but utterly forgetting, not being able to realize when she needs space or attention, and her biggest pet peeve is how I always wait to the last minute to commit to a plan or a date.
I have a lot more to say but don't want to write a book in one night. I hope this is informative and more information along with stories and experiences will be getting posted in the next couple of days.
Thanks for reading.